...Came the Inconveniencer! Chapter 1: MILK
by Khaizard

The streets of Patriot City ... night ... although normal criminals live in fear of the Freedom Force ... well, that's not entirely true. They fear being caught, not just by Freedom Force. None of Freedom Force is really that scary ... except for Supercollider and Liberty Lad, that is. In fact, most criminals hope that Eve'll show up just so they can wrestle her. You know, it's become a kind of tradition among the crooks ... _<ahem>

Huh? Oh, sorry ... night on the streets of Patriot City. Like all places dark, evil breeds in the cracks between the buildings, the pulsing festering alleyways which are filled with garbage and the occasional bum. It is here that the criminals meet, far from the prying eyes of people in other buildings not adjoining the alleyways. Such is the case tonight.

Three men stand loosely, each trying to out-cool the next. They are all dressed in a traditional fashion, each wearing a vinyl jacket designed to look like leather and a slightly burnt tartan cap, belying their economical sense in buying slightly damaged active wear from large department stores. But it is no clothes-buying expedition they plan tonight. No, it is pure MAYHEM!

"Hey Morris," the first one says, "You got the goods?"

"What're you, some kinda knucklehead? Back off, chowdahead!"

"Yeah, Lawrence, back off! What're you some kinda knucklehead? Nyuk nyuk!"

"Shaddap, both a' you. Now pay attention, you lunkheads. We're gonna rob that convenience store over there, see? The one that's still open?"

"Sure thing, Morris! Shall we get out our gats?"

"Our what?" asks Lawrence.

"Gats! Heaters! Boomsticks!"

"I don't get you," Lawrence says, confused.

"You know, hot iron! Peacemakers! Mechanical devices which active a chemical reaction to push a small weight of lead down a rifled barrel for the purpose of injuring or ..."

_{<ahem. They get the joke. Just get back to the story.>}

"Yeah, the voice is right youse two! Just get out your pistols and let's do this!"

"Pistols?" Lawrence says again.

After a vigorous slapping and display of stoogitsu on Lawrence, the three men draw their guns and advance across the street to the convenience store. They carefully cross, avoiding the maniacal drivers. Morris had warned the others about them; he's seen Minute Man nearly killed by a car that just wouldn't stop during the ant attack. Darting across, they stop at the door. Inside, the shop owner is just getting ready to close down.

"Ah, excuse me, gents, we're just about to close down," he says to Morris, Lawrence, and Carl as they walk in. "You can come back tomorrow if you like. We're having a sale on penny candy!"

"Hey, we're not here for sales, old man! Stick 'em up!"

"No! You can't take my money! I need to send five of my ten pennies to the old country to bring my wife and seventeen children here to America!

"Shut up! We don't care about your troubles! We're struggling to build a center for the arts here in Patriot City! And your store hasn't made a contribution!"

"Really?" the old man asks incredulously.

"No, not really! Spread out, youse bananaheads!" Morris shouts back.

Within minutes, they plunder the store of all its money, penny candy, and toiletries. They restrain the shopkeeper with some loose sausage links and knock him out with a swift blow from Lawrence's gun. Confident that they have escaped the steely glare of justice, they run back out into the night ... and into a problem.

"Hello, boys," Blackbird says with a grim tone. Standing just on the sidewalk (away from the killer autos), she strikes a dramatic pose. She assumes a fighting stance and gives a smirk. "Who's first!"

"HEY!" calls a voice from nearby. "You can't steal MY thunder!"

"What the--" Blackbird says as she turns to see.

There, up on the building across the street, stands a man, silhouetted against the moon, cape flapping majestically in the wind. He begins to pose as they watch. "Now now, evil and nasty bad people ... prepare for ... whu-whoa-WHAAAAAA!!!!~~"

His twirling carries him off the side of the five story building, where he collides with the pavement. The bone-crunching noise causes even the Blackbird pause. There is silence for a moment, then, the crooks begin to take off. Sensing their movement, Blackbird springs into action, going after the group of two, Lawrence and Morris, while Carl escapes down the other side of the street with toiletries dropping from his criminal embrace.

Across the street, the crushed form suddenly springs to his feet and strikes yet another dramatic pose. "Ha HA! Surely you didn't think that would stop mmmmmmME, did you! Here I come, you villainous ... err ... villain!"

He begins to run across the street, heedless of the tremendous danger the cars cause. Somehow, he manages to cross and chase down Carl, who has retreated to another alleyway. With a large wooden fence blocking him in, he turns to face the mysterious new hero.

A purple cape snaps in the wind, and a purple bandana covers the top half of his head, save for the burned eyeholes in the mask. His white shirt proudly shows the letter "i." His grey sweat pants are held in place by red shorts and cowboy boots. Pointing a finger at the bad guy, he smiles.

"Time for the raw and unseasoned taste of fresh justice, carved wafer thin by ME!"

The battle is joined, no quarter asked nor given. They lock horns in a titanic struggle not seen since the days of bareknuckle muppet fighting on PBS. They swipe, swing, parry and dodge, and the outcome is never in doubt.

"And let that be a lesson to you, wiseguy!" Carl pronounces proudly, standing atop the defeated hero. As he is about to leave the alleyway, and the crumpled man in his wake, Blackbird appears at the alley's mouth.

"You won't get away, scum!"

It isn't long before the police arrive, running down a few more civilians who happen to be in the road, to book the three crooks. But ... where is the Blackbird? Gone off to another mission of criminal-trouncing Riverdance most likely. Leaving only the masked hero laying unconscious at the door of the store.

"Hello?" one of the cops asks, slapping the man's face lightly.

The man springs to life, jumping to his feet, ready for action. "Hah! You thought a vicious pounding would defeat me! Think again!"

After calming him down, they manage to talk.

"So, who are you?" a cop asks as the reporters pull up.

"He's a hero!" the shopkeeper proclaims loudly.

"My credentials, blue defenders of unconquered law and order in this fair city, are displayed proudly on my chest! Gaze upon the symbol so carefully engraved with permanent marker and know that justice has yet another champion in this city!"

"It's got a small letter 'i' on it, man ... what does that stand for?"

"What?" he asks incredulously. Gazing down at his chest he shrugs. "Looks like an exclamation point to me, officers! I took an entire day and a three-pack of beefy-T's to make this! Look again!"

"It's a small letter "i" ... sorry ..."

"Well, it matters not, for Prime has arrived to save the city frommmmmmm EVIL!"

"Well, you did a poor job," one of the cops remarks as he pockets the penny candy from Lawrence's pockets, "I hear Blackbird took them out. You were just an inconvenience."

"What's that? What's that you say? Ever have I obeyed the ebbs and flows of law and order in this town, from sales tax to spitting ordinances, and ever shall I produce Justice as my national export! So, as you have named me, so shall I be named! Fear me now, evildoers, for I oppose you in everything you do, from parking to robbery, murder to cooking!"

"So ... what IS your name," one of the reporters asks.

Striking yet another dramatic pose, moving through a variety of painful-looking poses, he finally stops, resting one foot on the pile of thugs and pointing to the stars. "Now now, evil and nasty bad people! Prepare to be ... INCOVENIENCED by the one, true, tailor of law and order, sewing justice in my wake, the INCONVENIENCER!!"

"Riiiiiiiight ... you realize that your metaphor is wrong, right," asks the reporter.

"Let history be my judge as I dispense justice in a variety of flavors to the evil-doers of this city. So have I proclaimed, so let me do as I proclaim!"

With that, a flash of red and yellow light engulfs him, and when it clears, he is nowhere to be seen. In truth, if the eyes of the spectators could follow him, they would know that he teleported to the rooftops ... actually an unfortunate distance above. He crashes down to the roof of the store and lays there, waiting for his Energy X enhanced healing powers to once again heal him, smiling.

To be continued...